The Shakeytown Radio Hour

I have talked about the Frazzini Brothers and their work on the...

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 15:48:10 -0500

I have talked about the Frazzini Brothers and their work on the podcast before. Today, at brodiehubbard.com, I wrote about my favorite epic shot on VHS.

brodiefosterhubbard:

A few words about “Lazarus The Legend”…

(read more)

-BFH

The show is not on hiatus. And I swear I am not dying. But for...

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:39:04 -0500

The show is not on hiatus. And I swear I am not dying. But for the second week in a row, I had to cancel a recording due to illness.

I don’t want to wear myself out or get the guests sick, so when I heal up, I’ll meet up with one of the postponed bookings, we’ll crank this baby out, and we’ll get you fine people another episode of the podcast!

Thanks for your patience.

Don’t pray for me. I don’t deserve salvation.

-BFH

V-Day: A Shakeytown Radio Minute (3:25) Some quick plugs for...

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:10:13 -0500

V-Day: A Shakeytown Radio Minute (3:25)

Some quick plugs for events this weekend.

Mishka Shubaly (@mishkashubaly) - “Death In...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 20:03:25 -0500

Mishka Shubaly (@mishkashubaly) - “Death In Greenpoint” (download mp3)

Our pal Lyndsey Doolen (@eatmysnarl) is a Cupid talking to some...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:06:01 -0500

Our pal Lyndsey Doolen (@eatmysnarl) is a Cupid talking to some stupids on the street in this Left Right 7 (@lr7productions) clip.

brodiefosterhubbard: My friend Robin Groves (@smartbunny)...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 07:00:06 -0500

brodiefosterhubbard:

My friend Robin Groves (@smartbunny) hosted me on her show, The Half-Assed Podcast.

Meet Brodie. Singer/Songwriter, actor, writer, reality TV expert, guitarist, podcaster, horse, vegan and beard aficionado. We talk about sitcom writing, earthquakes, magical unicorns in Griffith Park, bathtubs in Brooklyn, goths, Nicole Ritchie and getting in the van.

Go to her website or find the podcast on iTunes.

We also hope to have Robin on Shakeytown Radio!

Alex Chiu (“Eyeball Burp”), Keenan Keller...

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:00:05 -0500

Alex Chiu (“Eyeball Burp”), Keenan Keller (“Whore Eyes,” “Galactic Breakdown”), and our old pal Tom Neely (“The Blot,” “The Wolf,” “Henry & Glenn Forever”) join Gene and Brodie to chat about L.A. Zine Fest, running through February. Alex discusses his exhibit at Flock Shop on Feb. 11, Keenan & Tom discuss their readings upstairs at The Last Bookstore on Feb. 18, and we also cover independent publishing of comics and zines, outsider art, sex cults, proper use of the word “utilize,” & Gene’s next adventure in parenting as he takes a hiatus from Shakeytown Radio. Also, music by Tom’s project, Self Indulgent Werewolf.

Isolated tribe emerges, restocks supplies...

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:24:50 -0500

Isolated tribe emerges, restocks supplies...:

…complains, “And even we’ve already heard enough about Lana Del Rey.”

A play in one act.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:33:11 -0500

A play in one act

Gene George

INT. CAR MORNING

A FATHER and his DAUGHTER drive down the street.

FATHER

(singing the Beatles’ ‘Yellow Submarine’)

…sky of blue, and sea of green, in our yellow submarine!

DAUGHTER

(interrupting)

Why?

FATHER

…in our yello- what? Why what?

DAUGHTER

Why is the sky blue?

FATHER

Why is the sky blue?

DAUGHTER

Yes.

FATHER

Congratulations, you have struck upon the quintessential toddler “why” question. Good work. The sky is blue because of the refraction of light. I’m sure we’ll discuss this in depth later.

DAUGHTER

I have to pee pee.

FATHER

(singing)

We all live in a yellow submarine (etc.)

END.

100th Podcast! w/ special guest, MJ Offen (Maker Studios,...

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 21:00:05 -0500

100th Podcast! w/ special guest, MJ Offen (Maker Studios, Animonster) - 1 hr., 43 mins.

It is our 100th podcast! Really, count the items on the RSS feed. This is #100.

MJ Offen returns to discuss her work with Maker Studios and Animonster, but also quizzes Gene and BFH about the show. Plus, conversation about Italian cruise captains, piles of money, and comedians and hecklers. Featuring music by Filth.

DOGGIEWOGGIEZ! POOCHIEWOOCHIEZ! All Dogs Go On Tour!

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 19:38:56 -0500

DOGGIEWOGGIEZ! POOCHIEWOOCHIEZ! All Dogs Go On Tour!:

mylifeasahorse:

The EIT! team will be all over North America with their new joint, “DoggieWoggiez! PoochieWoochiez!,” from right about now until mid-April. My Life As A Horse has a song in this thang, so go show some love. Click the link above for all the dates.

Shakeytown Radio Minute: Look Out (17:48) A record label goes...

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 00:00:06 -0500

Shakeytown Radio Minute: Look Out (17:48)

A record label goes out of business, friends of the show are doing great things in 2012, and some surprises at the end.

Jen Kirkman - comedian: What I Would Have Said About Eddie Brill on NPR

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 18:57:30 -0500

Jen Kirkman - comedian: What I Would Have Said About Eddie Brill on NPR :

jenkirkman:

**I wrote this last night but was shy about publishing it. But I feel good about it today. Please forgive any grammar or spelling errors. I’m not the best editor. ** - Jen Kirkman

I was supposed to talk to the Larry Mantle show on NPR this week.  They wanted to talk to me about the recent “scandal” with Eddie Brill – the comedian and booker for The Late Show with David Letterman.   I ended up cancelling calling in to the talk radio show for schedule reasons – I was too busy and couldn’t get away from my duties that morning.  (I work as a writer on Chelsea Lately.)  In one way, I’m almost glad that it worked out that I did not do the interview because I tend to speak in shorthand and also hyperbole.  I would be asked specific questions and would only have ten minutes to respond to what was asked and as a comedian, on the radio, I would probably want to be a little bit funny for all of the people listening who would be exposed to me for the first time.  But I would like to get my thoughts out about this issue and I think in writing is the best way to do so.

Let me say this first.  I know Eddie Brill even though I don’t think I’ve ever met him in person.  He called me years ago to ask me to be part of a big comedy show at the Emerson Majestic Theatre – owned by Emerson College.  We’re both alums.  I was flown to Boston on Emerson’s dime and put up in a nice hotel and got to perform on a great show with Bill Burr, Dennis Leary and Anthony Clark.  As it turned out, Eddie was stuck at work and couldn’t make his flight to Boston that night.  But if it weren’t for him, I still would not have performed as a stand-up comic at my Alma matter – Emerson never asked me!  Eddie has also asked me to submit a tape to try to get a spot on Letterman.  Over the years, we’ve gone back and forth with my submissions and I haven’t booked the show but never once felt it was because I was a woman.  I’ve been on Craig Ferguson and Conan and I know how long it takes to put a set together and work with the booker on the perfect five minutes to piece together. Most comedians whom you are not seeing on late night TV are probably loved and respected by the bookers of those shows but for some odd reason or another, it just hasn’t worked out that they’ve appeared on the show.  Eddie has also published my jokes when he was editing a comedy section for Reader’s Digest.  That’s all I know of Eddie.  This is not a case of, “Well, he’s nice to me, so therefore he isn’t sexist!” I’m just stating that while Eddie has not booked me on Letterman, I don’t believe that he finds me to be unfunny because I’m a woman.

That being said, let’s look at Eddie’s quote because he DID say it.  He has Freedom of Speech and so do I – so I will respond to the only thing I know about Eddie and his opinion of women in comedy – which is what he said to the New York Times. “There are a lot less female comics who are authentic,” Mr. Brill said. “I see a lot of female comics who to please an audience will act like men.”

It actually made me laugh, like I was reading something that an old uncle of mine would say.  I don’t know one “female” comedian who “acts like a man” in order to please the audience.  Mostly because I don’t know many comedians who get past the open mic level who are still trying to “please an audience.” Secondly, what does “act like a man” mean?  Perhaps this comment would have made more sense in 1960-something when women really didn’t do certain ‘masculine’ things in public, let alone on TV, like swear, or wear jeans and a tee-shirt, yell, take command of a group of people, etc.

Let me first address the words “female comedian.” Nobody says, “I saw the funniest male comedian last night.”  It’s implied, I guess, that a comedian is male and that that’s the norm and that we need to modify comedian with “female” when a woman performs.  But “female” unlike “prop”, “story-telling”, “physical” is NOT A TYPE OF COMEDY.  I’m wildly different in my style than so many of my peers who happen to be women.  Not once have I done a show with other girls and had to worry that we were all the same. I’ve always thought that I have a similar style of stand-up comedy to Richard Lewis.  I improvise heavily on stage.  I’m insecure and self-conscious yet am grandiose.  I’m so desperate for the audiences to not only laugh but for them to understand me.  I think I’m also similar to Joan Rivers in that I raise my voice on stage, I like to engage with the audience and I have some anger. But I don’t feel that I relate to Joan in ways that have to do with being a “woman.” In the world, I feel like I identify as a ‘comedian’ more than I do a ‘woman.’  I never feel out of place in a room full of men but I do feel out of place in a room full of people who are talking about how funny Two and a Half Men was last night.  That’s a comedian.  We can be snobs who have no sense of humor off stage except with each other.  That’s a huge personality trait (flaw?) and it knows no gender.

Back to Eddie: honestly I have no fucking idea what he means when he says that female comedians are “less authentic.”  Who? Who is talking about? What is his idea of authenticity? It’s totally subjective.  I don’t know if he’s been seeing “female comedians” every night of the week or this is based on one time – seeing a few women whom he didn’t understand. I don’t know. It seems like a generic statement that is unfortunate.  He’s stating it as fact and the average person reading this article could just let that slip into their brain and start to parrot at cocktail parties that “women aren’t authentic comedians.”  He could have at least said, “in my opinion….” (which is still a dumb opinion).

So, that’s where I stand on Eddie which is to say, I was bummed to see someone I liked (because they liked me) say stuff that seemed just….out-dated, untrue and lame.  Do I believe that Eddie Brill thinks women aren’t funny or have some genetic pre-disposition to not be funny a la Christopher Hitchens? No. I honestly don’t.

I’d also like to discuss what it means to “act like a man”.  This is a larger issue of gender identity.  I’ve always felt pretty masculine in a lot of ways.  I’m really girl-y. I get manicures and love make-up and I wear dresses sometimes and love fashion but I also like to look androgynous sometimes. I like menswear. I’m loud. I take up space.  I’m ambitious.  I pay my own way in life.   If I like a guy, I tell him.  I don’t think of men as people who will ‘take care of me’ or anything like that.  I have guy friends who are effeminate but straight.  I have gay guy friends who look like lumberjacks.  I have female friends who dress like boys.  I have female friends who dress like drag queens.  I think that someone who is younger than Eddie Brill kind of understands this.  Sometimes younger women, maybe some of these “female comedians” he observed, were raised in a post- Women’s Movement world and it doesn’t dawn on us that we were ‘acting like men.’

Just like anything in life there is always a gray area.  There are some fucking unfunny, inauthentic women.  Whoo boy. I’ve had to sit through them.  I’ve also sat through some unfunny, inauthentic men too.  It’s called COMEDY.  Comedy is hard and you have to do it a LONG time before you either #1 get funny or #2 realize you’re not ever going to be funny and give up.

I was told that one of the topics I was going to be asked to discuss during the NPR radio interview – was the question of have I ever been through any sexism in comedy?  How have I dealt with it?

When I first started out in comedy, I was treated like shit by a lot of club owners.  I was told that I wasn’t funny and I should stop.  I remember thinking it was sexism but looking back it was because I wasn’t funny yet.  I was just starting out and mainstream comedy clubs weren’t the best place to find acceptance.

Now that I’m able to perform at a mainstream club, I’ve had bookers say to me, “We can’t have two women go on stage back to back.” Yes. That is sexist.  How I deal with it is that I go on stage and I’m fucking as funny as I can be.  And I just focus on what my job is instead of how upset that comment made me.  And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come off stage to an apology from either the club owner or just the person running the show.  But yes, strangers come up to me after shows and say, “I don’t normally like female comics but you’re funny.”  I’ve walked into clubs where I know the person running the show isn’t familiar with me and I can feel in my gut, I’m not getting a fair first impression in his mind because I’m a woman.   I can’t explain it.  And this is why I hate talking about sexism in comedy.  Because it’s hard to put your finger on it when it’s happening.  All I can tell you is that it sets off something in your gut.  You feel suddenly like you have no right feeling comfortable in a club.  You feel suddenly like no matter what you do, you’re being judged differently.  It’s just a feeling.  It’s why I related to Dave Chapelle when he “freaked out” and walked away from his Comedy Central show because he just “felt” that someone in the room was laughing at his jokes not in the right way.  He’s not saying that anyone in the room was racist but he’s saying there are still issues of race and when you’re someone who wants to be funny for a living it’s a bummer when huge “isms” suddenly are on your head to deal with.  I didn’t sign up for that.

I’ve had more blatant sexist experiences where I hear from networks like Comedy Central that I can’t get a half hour special because I don’t appeal to men ages 18-34.   Sure, I’m NOT a man age 18-34 but I don’t see why they wouldn’t like what I do. In fact, I know a lot of them do because they let me know on Twitter, Facebook, and at my shows.  I’ve gone on auditions where the call was put out for “funny women” and then you read the script and not one funny thing was written and then a model gets the role anyway.  Sure.  There is sexism.  People say stupid shit like,  “I don’t know how to write for a woman.”

The areas in which I fight sexism are with my activism and spare money to causes, publications, organizations that are doing work for the equality of women all over the world; things that keep our right to choose safe, provide help for women who are fighting for their right to drive or show skin in other countries and I’m on board with anything that helps get that fucking ERA passed.

But how do I “deal” with sexism in comedy? I don’t. I don’t deal with it.  I just go, “FUCK. ARRRRGH.” And then I try to be funny in my work.  No one has stopped me from making a living and I’m so grateful that I get to write and appear on a TV show, go on the road as a headliner and I’m writing a book that’s coming out in 2013.  There are women and men out there who will hire women and I surround myself with those people.  One of my favorite moments as a comedian was backstage at a gig in Las Vegas about 7 years ago – for some shit show on the Starz Network.  Some (male) comic whom I didn’t know checked me out and complimented my ass backstage.  Greg Fitzsimmons, a funny comic and a casual friend of mine said to the guy, “Hey. She’s here to be a comedian. You want to look at a woman’s ass and tell her about it – you can go to a strip club later.”  My friend and writing partner at Chelsea Lately, fellow comedian, Chris Franjola said to me that he was recently on the road in Cleveland and asked the club booker, “How come a woman hasn’t been booked here in months? It’s dudes every weekend?” I’m lucky to be friends with dozens and dozens of funny guys and not one of them is sexist.

But I AM SO SICK of talking about sexism. And even the articles that are rebuttals to the question “are women funny?” are tiresome. And I feel like women are asked to take small chunks of time here and there to seriously address the issue of people who keep saying or implying that “women aren’t funny.” I’m tired.  Can guys take over for a little bit?

I know this seems out of left field but in the 1990’s when Nirvana broke – they kicked the dick off of the type of rock star that had been prevalent.  Kurt Cobain was not married to a model but a fucking insane loudmouth rock star in her own right.  He was short and he was skinnier than Kate Moss. He wore dresses, eyeliner and nail polish on network television and kissed his band mate Krist on Saturday Night Live.  Kurt appeared on the cover of The Advocate.  He wasn’t gay or a drag queen nor was he just trying to shock people or pull some gimmick.  He was trying to assert with all of his being that being a man had nothing to do with asserting power over women or gay people or looking or behaving a certain way.  I wonder if an Eddie Brill type would have seen Kurt and thought, “This guy is not authentic. He’s trying to be too much like a woman.”

I saw Nirvana perform and The Breeders opened for them.  Kurt came out and apologized that they were not the Breeders.  He said he wished he could be as bad-ass as Kim Deal.  A guy said that on stage about a woman at the height of his fame. He was hanging around with Riot Grrrl Kathleen Hanna from Bikini Kill who spray painted, “Kurt smells like Teen Spirit” on a wall, which is where he got the name for that song. He was quoted as saying, “The future of rock belongs to women.” Nirvana often had the girl group Shonen Knife open for them.  At first, audiences got angry and violent – as the ‘jocks’ in the audience didn’t want to see chicks in a band.  Kurt helped change the culture because he walked it like he talked it.  He brought women in front of his audience.  He wrote things on his album liner notes (“what are those?” you ask – shut up) that said, “If you’re sexist and hate women, don’t come to our shows.”

(Now listen, I know he was also an addict who was with another manipulative addict and I’m sure on more than one occasion Courtney cried “sexism” when someone didn’t want to deal with her when the truth probably was – people just didn’t want to deal with her.  And Kurt was the eternal victim – anything to have an excuse to go back and hide and do drugs.  I get that.)

But that doesn’t take away from what he accomplished for chicks in the music world.  The biggest rock group in the world brought girl bands to open for them. (And Bob Goldthwait sometimes.)

I bring that up to say – I know some people are NEVER going to stop saying that “women aren’t funny” and I know that some people are NEVER going to stop wanting to write pro-women articles in response to the people who say that “women aren’t funny.”  But I am one “female comic” who is fucking tired of talking about it. It’s the first question people ask me when I do press. “What’s it like being a female comedian?” I don’t know. I can tell you what it’s like being a comedian though.

So, I’m asking you journalist and radio show hosts – talk to THE DUDES about women in comedy.  Let’s change the conversation.  The articles have already been written anyway and they’re all fucking boring.  I’m asking you dudes in comedy, my friends, to please be like Nirvana and don’t just silently agree with us but keep bringing us girlfriends of yours on the road with you, keep casting us in things – not just as a romantic interest. Keep helping CHANGE the culture – don’t just make us women comment on it constantly.  I want to hear the male comics talk about how funny women are – or just talk about how funny certain comedians are and I pray they have a healthy heaping of girls on that list.  Let’s NORMALIZE women in comedy so we can stop talking about it .  I’m done talking about it.  I need the men to start challenging this shit too – I need them to Cobain Up because the future of comedy belongs to men AND women.

Shakeytown Radio Minute: Question Thursday (19:56) We...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:17:18 -0500

Shakeytown Radio Minute: Question Thursday (19:56)

We don’t know what happened to Wednesday’s show… maybe it got lost in the SOPA blackout and is trying to scrounge up some bus fare to get home… but today’s minisode should hopefully make up for it!

Ramones’ “Questioningly” paves the way for Gene and BFH fielding some questions from Joe Wilson (“Vampire Mob”) about the nature of comedy.

Shakeytown Radio Minute: TV Tuesday (16:45) Helium’s...

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:38:54 -0500

Shakeytown Radio Minute: TV Tuesday (16:45)

Helium’s “Magic Box” opens what is supposed to be a Tuesday talking about television, but becomes complaining about television critics. We try not to spoil “American Horror Story,” “Dexter,” “Burn Notice,” and “The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.” Plus, an embarrassing story related to “Portlandia.”

Shakeytown Radio Minute: The End Is Nigh (10:57) Considering...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:47:00 -0500

Shakeytown Radio Minute: The End Is Nigh (10:57)

Considering the show starts with “This Is The End” by SNFU, you’d have to assume the podcast is coming to a close. But perhaps it’s merely a new beginning?

Today is the first in a week of minisodes. In the upcoming days, we’ll catch up with what BFH and Gene have been up to, talk about television, give our unnecessary opinions about a recent comedy community controversy, answer some questions from Twitter, and look forward to what the show will be attempting to accomplish in 2012.

Happy Friday. Here's a thing I wrote.

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:55:43 -0500

“Grandfather, tell us the story about how you learned to shoot an apple off a man’s head from one hundred yards away.” My fat lazy grandchildren crooned.

“Again children? Well why not, eh?” I said in my kindly old man voice.

“I was a child when the apples came. I was out goat herding when I saw the smoke from my village far down the mountain. Pausing only to throw aside my favorite goat; I leapt down the hillside.

That my village of Fapdingle upon Croop was crude was without doubt, but the crude, stinking, crude, filthy mud huts that sheltered the equally crude, filthy and grotesquely crude inhabitants were the only home I had known. I strode into the center of town, notable as such only for having a scintilla less human waste and offal piled around it. The squelch of yesterday’s goat potpies was masked by a familiar moan, one I knew all too well from the endless games of ‘find the sausage in my pocket and tug real hard’ played in the fetid darkness of his hut. Not too neatly torn in two and covered by chamber pot scrapings and his own intestines was my Uncle Raztus.

“You’re standing on my pancreas boy,” He wheezed.

“Whoops”. I gave the organ a gentle nudge with my foot. Unable to determine which half would benefit from the damaged uncle-chunk I kicked it between the two, hopefully to find it’s way home, like a baby bird that is tossed into the river will, by virtue of instinct, swim back to its spawning ground. My uncle rolled his good eye towards the pancreas and fixed me with his bad eye, an act that always filled my heart and my pants with dread and pee, respectively.

“Gnar, you have always been the promise of this village,” he groaned and bubbled “ever since we found you as an infant shipwrecked alone.”

“But Uncle, I was eight when I was shipwrecked, and I watched the men from the village rape, kill, and subsequently rape post-mortem the other dozen survivors right before my tear-filled eyes” I interrupted.”Also you lit the false signal fires that caused our ship to founder upon the wrecking rocks.”

The dying oldster couldn’t resist a giblet-wobbling chuckle at the fond memories of rape, wrecking, murder and necrophilia. “No matter, my boy. Now is the time you repay your beloved adopted family in the only currency left to you – the moist, hot, sharp, bloody, metal coins of REVENGE!”

I stood uncomprehendingly for a moment while the old man prattled along about something, debt and honor or the like. It was hard enough to pay attention to him when he was whole, much less a half man-half not-man with a lot more leaks than usual on the ragged end. It was hot, and smellier than usual with the smoke and writhing impaled villagers moaning out imprecations and curses.

“Have you been listening boy?” My uncle bubbled through bluish frothy lips.

“Honestly no, you tend to babble under normal circumstances, but by the gods, y’know now, uh, wow” I extemporized. “ I gather I’m to kill the fellows that did this, though, huh.”

My uncle loosed an exasperated sigh and it was another three minutes before I realized that it wasn’t so much of a sigh as a death rattle. I gently closed his eyes and began to search his pockets for loose change. It is what he would have wanted.

After a light supper amidst the ruins, I hiked back up the hill to kill all of my ungrateful fucking goats.

I picked up the marauders’ trail easily as they had dragged the village hetman behind their stout mountain ponies for quite a ways. If there has been one thing I have learned from my seventy summers on this globe it’s this: it’s amazing how much stuff can fall off a human body. When I bent down and found a fragment of ear and scalp still warm, I realized they must be nearby!

In a rough clearing a group of shadows sat around a fire, stinking uncured hides served as their mantles and their keen spears were set near to hand. One of the spearheads still held Mrs. Horgab’s daughter Jenny’s head with as gape mouth and bug-eyed an expression in death as she wore in life. If you didn’t see the spear, you’d never know. Life’s funny like that sometimes. As I contemplated this fact a throaty chuckle erupted involuntarily from my lips. The bandits, wearing the traditional apples woven into their hair turned to face me. I knew then, beyond a doubt, that I was boned. Hard. All I could do was rely on my wits and youthful vigor to escape unharmed. I strode boldly forward swirling my goatskin cloak and veep-vip’ing my corduroy dungareed thighs menacingly. “Halloa me bold spearmen, a fine days plunderin’ methinks I see, O’ Ho!” I bellowed towards the bonfire in my best banditese.

“Who seeks grisly death at the hands of MacIntosh and his band of bone gnawers and bowel ticklers?” Growled the largest and no doubt smelliest of the tribe.

“It is I, Gnar, late of the previously less immolated village of Fapdingle upon Croop.” I ventured, calmly polishing my nails on rough homespun and goatskin.

“Seek ye revenge for the bloody murders of your kinsmen?” MacIntosh spat.

“Those guys, no… wait, fuck no. I really hated them. Honestly” I answered. “I was more looking for some travel tips and maybe a little cash…”

“You ask US for money? Red! Crab! Seize him!”

I was faced with a wall of razor sharp spear points, well, except for the one with the toddler head on it, but really that wasn’t much better once I thought about it for a while. My only hope was to offer them a wager, which being inveterate gamblers they would be unable to resist. “Hold!” I cried. “I offer you a bet, if I can shoot an apple off of your fearsome noggin, chief, would you let me live?”

“You are a sportsman I see!” MacIntosh burbled. “But what do we get when you lose eh? We already hold your meager life and possessions forfeit.” Damn. For a skeevy looking guy, he was pretty smart.

“Well reasoned old chum.” I winked. “But I happen to have a herd of fine looking and, uh, entirely non-make believe MAGICAL goats upon yon lofty mountain. Were I dead they would all scamper away to more temperate climes, for only I know the secret of keeping them bound by the iron grips of my will! But if I live I shall gladly teach you this secret” That should shut them up.

“A wager for magical goats, eh? I accept! You may use my crossbow” the bandit chief smirked.

“Excellent, for apparently I have left mine at home.” I said, accepting the weapon, which I immediately recognized as my own. “Nice workmanship” I sniped.

The land-pirate shrugged, smiling a coy smile of broken and browned teeth “It does the job”.

Quickly I paced out one hundred yards, MacIntosh remained behind. With trembling hands I held my crossbow, familiar hunting companion of my youth. I had shot dozens of quail upon the wing with it and taken my first deer with it. The click of the trigger was loud in my ears.

I learned a lot with that wager, namely that you can outrun a bunch of fat hairy bandits on tired ponies with a hundred yard head start, and finally that you should never give a guy who hates you a chance to shoot you in the face from a hundred yards away.

Now fetch me more brandy-spiked mead you ungrateful striplings or I’ll dash your lice ridden inbred skulls to pieces upon the statue of Kreblow, goddess of kindness, that stands in the family shrine!”

(photo - Paul Bellini, writer, “Kids In The...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 16:14:00 -0500

(photo - Paul Bellini, writer, “Kids In The Hall”)

This story by Matt Sterling, a fellow denizen of the aspecialthing.com comedy fan community where Gene and I met, related a story about Canadian sketch troupe Kids In The Hall that was too good to leave unshared. It is reprinted with his permission. Check out his film and video editorial site at sterlingedits.com. -BFH

In 1993, when I was fifteen, Entertainment Weekly wrote a bad review of the Kids In The Hall, an affront I took so seriously and personally that I dashed off a scathing letter to the editor immediately! A truncated version of that letter was published in the next issue, and this was the greatest thing that had happened to me as an overly earnest journalism nerd. So sweetly pathetic.

The week after my letter issue hit the stands, I got a phone call at home from one Paul Bellini, who asked if I knew who he was. I reacted as if I was speaking with one of the Beatles, then proceeded to talk his ear off at a great pace and with many a girlish squeal for some time. He said that the Kids had all been very depressed about the review and having recently lost yet another Emmy for writing, and my letter had brightened spirits in the office and Scott (no surprise there) had even made a big, ridiculous speech about it. This, obviously, was the new greatest thing that had ever happened to me. Less sweetly pathetic.

A few years later, when the internet was a newish thing on college campuses, I was looking up what the Kids were doing post-TV. I stumbled upon a site for Paul Bellini, and there was a link to contact him. I sent him a brief email thanking him for the phone call I assumed he didn’t remember and told him that I was inspired by that show to pursue comedy, etc. He soon responded that the kind things he had said were true (Scott did grandstand about the whole thing), but that ultimately he had tracked me down to settle a bet with Thompson.

Apparently, I share a name with one of the most famous gay porn stars of the 80s, Matt Sterling (link absolutely NSFW), and Paul and Scott couldn’t believe that some random fan, from a cheesy-sounding town in the deep South no less (Franklin, TN) would have that name. They assumed it was a prank of some sort and had to know the truth. Naturally, he didn’t feel comfortable sharing this information with a wide-eyed, squeaky-voiced innocent, but now that I was a sullen college student, he was happy to fill me in.

I met Scott recently during his tour with Kevin McDonald, and I asked him if remembered that letter, and surprisingly, he did. He then shared a very funny story about calling the author of the review and yelling such profane insults that his manager had to intervene. When we discussed all this, my voice was of an acceptable register for an adult male.

-Matt Sterling

brodiefosterhubbard: Two thousand and twelve has arrived, and...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:25:37 -0500

brodiefosterhubbard:

Two thousand and twelve has arrived, and when the apocalypse comes, this is the last face you’ll see right before it’s all over.

Sing a Christmas Song (After All) Lyrics by Mathilda Quinn...

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 15:20:46 -0500

Sing a Christmas Song (After All)

Lyrics by Mathilda Quinn George

We are the boobie Christmas song!

We are the boobie - a Christmas song.

We are the boobie - a Christmas song…

…and after all!

It’s a small world after all,

it’s a small world after all,

it’s a small world poopie one,

it’s a poopie - boobies!

There’s a one moon,

and a one gold moon.

And a smile means friendship everyone!

Mountain eye!

And a lotion high!

in a small world after all.

It’s a small world

…after all?